Just For Today

10:09pm: been a while
I know I've neglected this journal, like my others, I just had trouble getting online. Not technical trouble; emotional trouble. I just have begun emerging from the worst agoraphobic episode of my life.

I had my 6 months sobriety in June and I'm glad I'm still sticking with it. I still have my various mental health issues but at least I can see improvements in my mood stability with the current medication regimen; 200 mg lamictal, 60 prozac, 15 prazocin, 16 buprenorphin, and recently added 25 mg diphenhydramine to deal with my insomnia.

I am getting used to the idea that I am not well without medication and to be OK with that. I am a much better mother and anything that makes my children's lives better is more than welcome.

Anyway, today I am more immobilized than usual; I sprained my ankle yesterday sumthin awful and can't walk at all.

One thing that has been brought up is that those around me are often very emotionally invested in seeing me as "fine". I'm unsure why that is, maybe because they look up to me and so if I'm not "OK", then they must be even "worse". Once again, hierarchical thinking gets in the way of perceiving reality in its dynamic complexity. In this case, I am not good at everything, so it is realistic to both admire and admonish me at times. Others who learn from me are not beneath me; they have used their time so far developing other areas of themselves. To attempt to define one person as better than another is like trying to define which of the four compass points is more intelligent. They are not the same, they do not compare over all, though they might compete within certain spheres; like in Wicca, the watery West might be argued to be better for women's magick than the firey South. But that doesn't make either of them be better directions. That is contextual relativism; the ability to say, "the podiatrist may be a doctor but would not be the best candidate for your tonsillectomy" The context there; tonsils, makes the podiatrist not "good", but that doesn't extend to how good a doctor he is.

At any rate, I am not "bad" because I am mentally ill, nor does it make me stupid, crazy or weird. (I can manage the weird part all on my own, thanks!) So, off to bed with me, I have one pill to make me sleep and one to make me not have nightmares and that counters the one I take to stabilize my bipolar disorder from which I got panic attacks. Then there's the prozac in triple dose than I'd ever previously had, to counter the depression caused by some of the other meds. Oy.

So....am I sober with 5 meds that cause drowsiness? Of course, but it feels weird.

3:48pm: Dare to be happy
Misery is easy, we are encouraged to be miserable enough to need all the products peddled that we are expected to buy, the social status we're supposed to fight for and continue to seek the remedies that fuel our medical monopolies.

Misery is also safe. As long as you are miserable, you can rely on those around you to expect less from you, to try to cheer you up and no one can rain on a parade that isn't happening.

Misey is expected. Nobody wonders why some of us are unhappy, afraid, or traumatized, the real mystery in life is hope, courage and joy.

And so, that is the challenge: not to be glib or delusional about our very real problems, but to find the simple hope of a weed growing in the cracks of a sidewalk and not just walk past self-obsessed with our laundry list of why we are miserable and hate ourselves.

Not to recite meaningless and false affirmations while under our breath laughing at the simpleton who actually thinks this way, but to really get real with our feelings so that honest examination of exactly what it is about ourselves that we think is so awful so that we can face our fear of being unloveable once and for all and stop having to wonder about it.

I'll tell you a secret: the secret to self-esteem isn't in trying to convince ourselves that we are inherently loveable because then we get faced with very real examples of all those who don't love us then if we deserve it and don't have it then we must have screwed up somewhere. No, the truth is that none of us can do a damn thing to deserve, earn, or make people love us. In fact, if we could, then we'd feel entitled to it, take it for granted and then those loving us would stop because noone likes being taken for granted.

No. When it comes to being loved, we're all as helpless and hapless as the day we were born. And yet, now as likely (hopefully) then, somebody does love you. Maybe you have a face "only a mother could love", but your mother does love it. Maybe you can't figure out why your friends, partners and families love you, well, good! Because love is a gift. You cannot punch in a certain amount of hours to get love, it is simple given mysteriously in response to another mystery: that you are simply you, and no other.

So, we don't deserve love nor can we expect for anything to make us happy, rather we are pressed into molds of misery to meet the margin of someone else's profits.

Look around you and for a minute notice all the beauty; trees in bloom, a cat's eyes, the moon. We didn't earn that either. Appreciate those who love you because they are a gift. Appreciate the simple beautiful things, for they are a gift. Appreciate your own ability to courageously face your fears and learn to see hope instead of obsessing on what you think you lack.

I dare you to risk someone trying to rain on your parade by having one! I dare you to be unexpected by not dwelling on your pain for a moment. I dare you to laugh at your own mistakes. I dare you to risk an honest embarassment by making an honest effort. I dare you to accept and honor the gift of someone's love by not try to buy it, earn it, barter, manipulate or lie for it; just say thank you.

Cultivate gratitude and appreciation and dare to be happy.

2:10am: One day can change your life
On one day someone can buy you a drink, give you a crack pipe, die, threaten you, but then in one day, you can make that choice, the one that says; I'm an addict and I need help. I don't want to live like this anymore.

One day can be your sobriety "birthday".

It's not that hard really to stop drinking and drugging, what is ridiculously hard is figuring out how to live soberly. How to face all those hard things that we are so darn good at avoiding. How to feel while staying present in the moment and not to play games or hide from ourselves.


The hard part is being defenseless when you most desperately want it and being new when it is scary and realizing that your issues are only as unique as everyone elses.

12:20pm: Surrender to win
"To quit with no reservations."

How many times have I heard someone say they quit but realize they still have a spare pipe in their make-up bag or they quit but they still keep the dealer's phone number on speed dial?

The biggest thing is really admitting and accepting that, "I am an addict."

I used to claim that I was never really addicted to speed, see, I stopped for so long? Or I wasn't addicted to crack, I only used it when certain people were around or when I was extraordinarily stressed or...or...or...

The truth is, even if I can quit for periods of time and feel like everything is fine, I do use when I had not intended to and I do go back out there and end up losing everything, including my self-esteem and dignity. That means I am an addict. Unless I could say that I honestly wanted and intended everything that happened while I was using to happen, even the things that other people did to me, I cannot get out of seeing that I am an addict.

For instance, if your partner cheats on you, it isn't your fault, but if you stayed for it to happen over and over, there's an addict mind in there. Maybe its a love addiction, but it's addict mind. To continue to do the same things expecting this time it'll be different, is addict think. To think the quality of your life is because of others is dependency-thinking. To think everything would be fine if only so-and-so wouldn't do this or that is addict-think and controlling.

So, I give in. I let go. I know that I am an addict and I no longer have to defend or explain the messed up things I've thought and done.

I was telling my counselor the other day that a friend of mine hadn't called in a while and that in the past I would sit and obsessively think that it was intentional and sdomething they "were doing TO me" and I would get hurt and angry and eventually work myself into a state of paranoia and rage.

I don't only do all that on drugs, I've been known to do it sober! But in my working a program, I now can let it go and not just say I let it go and secretly have my belly in knots, but to let it go and truly put my attention elsewhere. That is huge!!!

It is true that I am a love addict. This is not a funny thing or a matter to be joked about. This is something that has led me to suicide attempts and deep despair. It is very serious and is just as "real" an addiction as my addiction to heroin.

Admitting that I am an addict was easier when it was just heroin because I know very clearly and simply when I am abstaining from heroin. It'd be hard to not notice a needle in my arm, you know?

But when am I acting out of my romance and fantasy addiction? I think that fantasies where I imagine my "love" cheating on me until I work myself into hysterical tears is just as much acting out as fantasies of being adored and rescued or what have you.

I need a sponsor. I need to pick up that thousand pound phone and act on my behalf to get moving in my program, I know I need to focus more on SLAA than I have been because it has generally been my personality obsession that drives me to use. I don't want to give in to that addiction any more than I want a relapse on heroin or crack. I want a life of sobriety and I surrender, despite the horrific shame involved in admitting it, but I must:

I am an addict
And I am powerless over my addiction
My life when I am acting out is unmanageable.

I need help: from my Higher Power
from a sponsor
from the program and my fellows in NA and SLAA

12:19pm: traveling light-poem by another
Brian Andreas ~ Traveling Light



Out to Play

No hurt survives
for long without
our help, she said

& then she kissed
me & sent me out
to play again
for the rest
of my life.

6:01pm: Words of wisdom
from the Dalai Lama:

"Some people when we talk about compassion and love, think it is a religious matter. Compassion is the universal religion."

I like this thought. I also feel that what I wrote the other day about working a program giving us a life we couldn't have without it also applies to any kind of spiritual program. I'm not trying to suggest that NA or 12 step programs are the only way to have sobriety and serenity, just that it is not enough to simply remove drug use. As long as we are applying ourselves to a program that holds us to honesty, integrity, and compassion.

From my Self-Care deck:

Power:
Own your power

Every storm
brings a fresh,
new beginning

There are times when the most loving thing we can do is to hold ourselves accountable for our mistakes. That is because when we truly value ourselves, we want to be truly free of fear and the stagnant energy of guilt. The only way to clear that out is to face the music and be willing to suffer with ourselves to gain the insight and the wisdom of our experience. If we cannot tolerate the guilt and shame that we have rightly earned by our poor choices, then it means we are unable to accept the reality of our humanness. Most likely this is due to "chronic uniqueness'.

We won't die from grief or shame or guilt feelings. Although we could die from refusing to face those feelings since the stress can cause us to do things that damage ourselves. I found it better to sit with my pain and at least honor that much. By respecting my feelings, I began the healing that removed most of the self-loathing I had been carrying around, too afraid to look closely at. Courage can free the soul when we surrender to truth and become willing to admit our worst failings. That is the true beginning of forgiveness. That and realizing that there is more to the world than black and white!

12:06pm: recovery
Today we are talking about what the NA program gives us in recovery. It mentions that most of us who used wouldn't want to go back to how life was before the drugs because we couldn't cope with our feelings then or we didn't know how to have relationships and many of us were survivors of abuse and didn't know how to deal with the pain of our lives. Being in the program gives us more than a life without drugs, it gives us a whole new way to live!

At one point in my recovering from my past I realized that what was broken could never be fixed so that I'd be likwe everyone else; that's not possible! But in my healing process, I gain a new kind of life, in some ways I am stronger for it. If we quit drugs on our own, all we are is alone in our life without the drugs. By working a program, we gain a life that not only is without drugs, it is in place of them.

for those who wonder where I was yesterday, I was very ill. So, click on this journal to see the backdated entry from yesterday!

I got a step-working guide for NA so I'll begin working the steps in that soon.

12:02pm: 30 days!

Today I've had 30 days continuous sobriety!!!

11:17pm: better late than never
"We can enjoy our families in a new way and may become a credit to them instead of an embarassment or a burden."

This passage then talks about that even if we quit using, if we don't start to change the way we act toward family members, they may not realize the changes. It is important to "take our recovery home with us."

For me that has been allowing myself to remember why and how I got into using so that I can understand the process and avoid repeating past mistakes.

Tonight I took my daughter to see The Lion , The Witch and The Wardrobe and it was fun to walk with her to the new movie theatre at Kent Station. (I think I like having a movie theatre in walking distance!) And I knew some parts would be scary for her, but I knew she's brave. There was a part she knew would be scary because we watched previews at home and I told her, "I'll tell you when to cover your eyes, it's not scary yet, I promise."
As I said that I got a warm feeling knowing that she not only would trust me, but that it was because she can trust me. When I make a promise to her, I keep it. Period. No excuses. I think before I speak and I own my consequences. Oftentimes when addicted, we end up breaking promises or betraying our family or doing things we never dreamed we could do. It is a good feeling to take my little girl's hand and know that I can give her my best.

1:20pm: love of fellowship
Today's "Just for Today" talks about being able to look others in the eye because of becoming free of shame. Recovery brings that freedom. I am grateful for the feeling of love and understanding that I get from people at meetings.

Last night was intense. I went to a few meetings and the last one I started to talk about sorting out where my love gets mixed up with my obsession and how to have a relationship based on healthy loving as opposed to sexual or romantic idolisation or fixation and I mentioned the therapist that asked me out last year and mentioned that it wasn't the first time and just then I had this moment of clarity and choked up. I squeeked out, "oh god!" then couldn't breathe anymore. I can't write out what it was yet, I need to get it sorted out-but I saw very clearly how certain things in my life now related back to certain events of the past.

So, I cried and left. I was exhausted when I got home. I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

So, I'm grateful for the environment that allows me to have insights even though some of them are hard to face.

10:41am: Valuing the moment
"... the only time you ever have in which to learn anything or see anything or feel anything, or express any feeling or emotion, or respond to an event, or grow, or heal, is this moment, because this is the only moment any of us ever gets. You're only here now; you're only alive in this moment."

-- Jon Kabat-Zinn

Many people regularly squander their time. They live under the assumption that they'll live forever. As a result, they don't value the present as a precious opportunity that will never come again.

Others continually race against time, trying to cram too many activities into each hour, and suffering stress in the process.

In our view, we are more effective and most happy when we balance being and doing. We continually ask ourselves what's most important to get done. And we're learning to BE -- fully present -- when we do. We also regularly give ourselves permission to relax.

Make today really matter. It's all you'll ever have.

"Very few of us know how much we can put into life if we use it properly, wisely, and economically. Let us economize our time -- lifetimes ebb away before we wake up, and that is why we do not realize the value of the immortal time God has given us."

-- Paramahansa Yogananda

content from: http://www.higherawareness.com/

7:54pm: valuing myself, for my own sake
When a relationship ends or isn't going the way we'd like, it's easy to fall into the rut of feeling devalued. After all, if this person doesn't want us, it's hard not to turn that into feeling like nobody will. It's important though not to let that happen whwen sobriety is at stake, I need to maintain a position whwere I am worth the effort required to be sober, for my own sake.

Eventually that will make me confident enough that people who will value me will be drawn to me, but for now that is not my main concern, for now, I am investing in my life simply because it is mine and I value the sobriety I have worked for.

5:00pm: Depression
I have struggled with depression through most of my life, so finding that it can happen during sobriety is not a huge surprise. In fact, a great deal of my use was self-medicating and one of the first promises I made to my treatment counselor was that I would seek the right medication so that I would not be tempted to deal with my issues on my own.

Having access to appropriate medication gives me hope when I'm feeling rough that I can get the help I need and that just because I have to stay sober, doesn't mean anyone wants me to be miserable.

11:41am: what is on our plate?
I was going to write about what's in my "Just For Today" book but then I got into an awesome conversation with a dear friend about how to not let other people's bad moods or attitudes ruin our day.

My friend was having difficulty because her husband fights with his mother and she hates to see him hurting. Naturally she jumps in to try to fix the situation only finding herself becoming the scapegoat for everybody's wrath and ending up feeling worse. So, I told her that her husband needs to deal with his mother; that is his job not hers. She can offer a listening ear but not an opinion. Why not an opnion? Because giving her opnion invites her husband to fight with her, it doesn't help and puts her in the line of fire. This is a mistake my mom frequently makes when I'm upset at someone I love. See, only by feeling like I can safely vent without my audience taking on my opinions and feelings can they help me. If they start atacking my honey, then I become conflicted because now I also feel like I have to defend my honey and that is just too much! I want to have my audience take my partner's side, but not too much, just let me vent and get from me what is really going on and help me unravel my emotions, not fix my problems for me or attack my source of upset.

See, what upsets me shouldn't upset anyone else. It's mine and only mine. I want someone to stay focused on caring for me, not get distracted by wanting to attack whaytever is upsetting me. Just love me. When we take on others' feelings we almost make it harder for them to feel validated. Instead, real help is just to listen and then go about our current mood, whatever it was before we learned our loved one was upset. In a way, once they vent their upset, our remaining peaceful or happy offers them a rope to come join our mood which we'd deprive them of if we rush in to join their mood instead.

The greatest source of peace of mind has been learning how to identify what is on my plate as opposed to what is not on my plate. If I can just worry about what is really mine to worry about then I don't waste energy stressing out about things I can't really affect anyway. I'm much fore efficacious if I tackle what is mine to deal with.

3:44pm: meditation notes
General Guidelines for Meditation

Try to get into a regular daily practice. If you are just beginning meditation and want to practice regularly, it's best to start meditating 10 to 15 minutes once a day. Later, you may want to increase that to 20 minutes once a day, or 10 minutes twice a day. But don't worry about that for now - just begin!

1. Put your expectations aside, and don't worry about doing it right. There are infinite possibilities and no fixed criterion for determining right meditation. There are, however, a few things to avoid.

o Don't try to force something to happen.
o Don't over-analyze your meditation.
o Don't try to make your mind 'blank' or chase thoughts away.
o Don't worry too much about 'doing it right'.

* You don't have to meditate on a completely empty stomach. If you're hungry, eat a little something.
* Find a quiet, comfortable place to meditate. You can sit in a comfortable chair, on the bed, on the floor, but you don't want to be so comfortable that you fall asleep!
* Eliminate as much noise and as many potential distractions as possible. Don't worry about those things that you can't control.
* When you sit to meditate, sit comfortably, with your spine reasonably straight. This allows the spiritual energy to flow freely up the spine, which is an important aspect of meditation. Leaning against a chair back, a wall, headboard, etc. is perfectly all right. If, for physical reasons, you can't sit up, lay flat on your back.
* Place your hands in any position that is comfortable.
* You might want to call on a "higher source" for assistance in your meditation. Any form is all right. This can be quite helpful, but is not absolutely necessary.

Some Misconceptions about Meditation

Misconception #1. 'Meditation is turning off your thoughts or making your mind a blank'.

Not True. Inner quietness is experienced in meditation, but not by willfully turning off thoughts. Quieting the mind results naturally from the effectiveness of the method used and a force beyond our own efforts.

Misconception #2. 'Meditation is difficult and takes tremendous discipline'.

Not True. Meditation can be easily learned, and can be quite enjoyable. Meditation is only difficult if one tries to do it perfectly, which is not really possible.

Misconception #3. 'Meditation is not successful unless we see interesting things in our mind'.

Not True. Although some meditations are specifically for visualizing, many are not. In those meditations, seeing things may be entertaining, but is not essential. Even visualization does not necessarily require seeing. Some people sense or feel things inwardly, and that's all right.

from: http://www.dragonnetwork.org/course/session1/meditation.htm

12:01pm: the group
Today's Just for Today talks about reaching out to the still suffering addict and welcoming the newcomer. I know that having people not freak out when I would get emotional every darn time I share in a meeting has helped me to feel welcome. Yesterday I chaired a meeting for the first time. That was really powerful for me because it was an opportunity to just be bluntly honest about how and why I fucked up my life and what I'm going to do to make it better.

6:15pm: new ideas
Today's Just For Today is about finding new ways to live. That is really important and often the resistance to trying a new way can be really intense. Unfamilar ways and things that run contrary to our habits make many of us feel uncomfortable. Sometimes that was part of why we were drinking or drugging! (to "loosen up" and be more "social") So in sobriety, it can be frightening, but critical to get ourselves over the fear of the new: it can be lifesaving to accept a new way to live.

today's Self-care card is:
"Priorities"
Get your priorities straight!
When you know what's important,
saying
NO
gets much easier.


ooh, wow! How often have I been drawn into unhealthy ways of being just because I lacked a plan or solid sense of who I wanted to be? Hmm... Today, my priority is integrating and honoring the whole self.

And from our friend the Dalai Lama:

"Your enlightenment rests on your own shoulders."

Yeah, I am not nearly as important to anyone as I am to myself. I have to honor that importance to myself and take responsibility for my ability to live in new, self affirming ways.

11:39am: a new way to live
Often times we choose drugs that will bring out the parts of our psyche that were stuck in dysfunctional families of origin. When we begin recovery, it is critical not just to stop using but to unravel the influences that caused us to use in the first place. If we only stop using, we will eventually resort back to our dyusfunctional living patterns. To think we could create a new way of living without help from others is faulty thinking. That'd be like thinking that we could learn a new language without even reading a book on it! No, the program helps us by introducing new principles that we can use to create a new way to live that leads to a spiritual awakening rather than to drugs.

Thinking we can do sobriety on our own is unnecessary arrogance.

Just for today I will turn to those who are living a way I want to live to learn a new way of living.

9:31am: self care and wisdom of the Dalai Lama
For today's self-care meditation is:
Self-Respect
Respect Yourself
you're the best
judge
of what is
right.

And today's quote from HH the Dalai Lama:
"the way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. This takes more that prayer or wishing. It requires deep analysis into the cause of harsh feelings like hatred and a conscious effort to shift one's perspective."

I have said a similar thing. I have said that to get rid of negative emotion requires knowing what the emotions purpose was and finding a constructive way to meet that need. For instance; anger makes space. Usually we get angry when we feel like there's not enough room for our perspective or we have an opnion that conflicts with our view of ourself. At that point if we can make room inside for our opnion or give ourselves time and space to express our view, the anger becomes no longer needed and dissipates naturally.

I dreamt of my mother and I sharing a room. We also were sharing clothes and make-up and caring for each other as though we were inseparable.

6:55pm: acceptance and change
I remember at one of the first meetings I ever went to, when I was still raw from jail and hating feeling like a "junkie" like I'd flushed my life down the drain and was beyond any resemblance to thwe good person I had hoped I could one day be, one guy talked about his own beginning in the program and his "terminal uniqueness." He said that when he started out he didn't think any anyone could possibly understand his problems or relate to how bad he'd had it or how bad he'd been. But then in the program we begin to find out that we are just as unique as everyone else! Hehe.

When it comes down to it, we are all human and can feel our screw ups in much the same way. Yes, we each have a poarticular brand of it, but when we all get together and stop competing for the title of "most fucked up" or "least likely to acept help" then we come to find out that the things we'd been so afraid of revealing or sharing were the same things six others in the room were afraid we'd see about them! It's comforting, in the end, to realize that there's a whole room full of people just as human as we are. We can accept advice and guidance from them and realize that we can also offer our own humanness to be the comfort of another.

Just for today I will not have to be one of a kind and I will share my experience strength and hope and accept help from those who have been where I am now.

12:56pm: overcoming self-obsession
"in living the 12 steps, we begin to let go of our self-obsession."

"The more we insist on being the center of the universe, the less satisfied we will be with our friends, our sponsor, and everything else."


Hey, I resemble that remark...j/k. That's a great point, I had already figured out that the psychological aspect of depression is self-obsession. Which is not to diminish the pain of it or the sense of it being impossible to control by ourselves. Like addiction itself, this self-obsession, or hyper self-consciousness if you will, is something we cannot stop without help from our higher power or other in recovery. The Just for Today text suggests giving the love and attention we need to others as a way of drawing our energy from off our own back to something constructive.

I recall when my little brother was having trouble adjusting to being a man and he had alot of rage in him and would go out, get drunk and get in fights. I gave him the assignment to spend some time doing something genuinely altruistic. He is now a monk and spends time working at a veterinary hospital and gives socks to the homeless. He's one of my heroes. When we are most feeling our needs and having a pity-party, that is when it helps the most to stop and take a moment to really hear what someone else is feeling and experiencing; to interrupt our negative self-talk with compassion for another is the greatest gift we could ever give to ourselves.

Just for today: I will share the world with others, knowing they are just as important as I am. (and their suffering just as awful and their fears just as paralyzing!) I will nourish my spirit by giving of myself.

11:05am: self care and words of wisdom
I have a deck of self-care cards that I turn to for a bit of uplifting inspiration. Today I pulled:
"Opportunity"
"Release your ties
to the past,
When you let go
of the old,
you make room
for the new"

A good thought for me!

So I also picked a Dalai Lama quote card for today:
"If you harbour ill will, it has a negative impact on yourself. You may lose your appetite and good sleep."

8:44am: wisdom from the Dalai Lama
"Peaceful living is about trusting those on whom we depend and caring for those who depend on us."

I must confess, I wanted desparately to change this so it said, "being able to trust" rather than "trusting", but I thought about it and he meant it the way he said it, not how I want it to be. You see, I don't want to trust. I am afraid of trusting and I'd rather not trust anyone unless I can be assured that they are worthy of that trust. I don't feel very peaceful at all when I can't trust those on whom I depend, in fact, that is often why I feel so stressed out.

But, I realized as I thought about this; the peace comes from within. People are going to let me down at some point and if I'm only willing to trust when there's no risk; that's not really trust at all. The point of it is not to rely on people never making mistakes, but to remember to leave what is their responsibility up to them.

The intensity of my gut reaction to this quote really tells me alot. I have no problem with the second part, I like to care for others and to be deoendable. I'm a caretaker so it makes me feel good to care for others. But letting myself depend on another is hard. I have patterns in my life and psyche that say, "if you want something done, do it yourself!" and "never expect others to be as caring as I would like" and "people can't be trusted, it hurts less to never trust."

But, Tenzin, whose name means joy, knows a thing or two about peace. And he's right. As long as I can't trust until as body is trustworthy, I give my peace away. If I can trust those who are in my life where I can depend on them, then I can give myself peace and let the rest go. This doesn't mean I'll never be let down, it just means that I let others do their part instead of trying to control that which I cannot control.

Like the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I cannot change other people. I cannot change the circumstances they find themselves in and I cannot change what choices they make and whether or not they will care for me. I can only accept and trust. I can change my attitude and choose to trust that those who care for me will do so to their best ability and not need them to be perfect. I can change my desire to control everything to avoid getting hurt (not like it ever worked, right?) And I can change my focus from others' faults to my own responsibilities and remember that peace comes just as much from trusting as caring and if I focus on doing my part, I might be more free to trust others to do theirs.

1:55pm: "The message of our meetings"
I haven't gone to a meeting in a while and I need to. I was sick last week and now I'm ready to get back to going again. I feel saner and more balanced when I go to meetings. I think that the message when I lkisten to others and when I share is actually the same; there are many different people but we can share common ground. That dfor me is what gives me hope. To be reminded that I have options is to permeate my day with the sense of potential. That is true hope. To know that even when I am stuck, someone may have been where I am and have a novel idea for me to try.

Meetings also keep me accountable. When its just me, I can feel like it doesn't matter much what I do. Then it cvan be harder to find reasons to stay sober. But at a meeting, I see all these familiar faces that are rooting for me to make it. That's empowering!

10:39am: checking our motives
Wow, I'm so glad that my Just For Today message was about this because it has been on my mind. It talks about checking our motives when we do service work. It points out that if we don't we might be wanting to feel important, or get attention, or what have you. It says that if we meet other addicts with manipulation, game playing, or pomposity it can do more harm than good.

This is so important in life as well. I know that I am frustrated and repelled by people when they are "trying to help" but their motives are not so sterling. Sometimes it is as simple as they just want to feel like they know something or maybe they are needing to be needed. Anyway, I can feel those emotional tentacles and will pull away often leaving them wondering why I won't let them "help" me. But what they don't realize is that those motives are asking me to fulfill an emotional need that I may not feel I can fulfill or that I don't want the responsibility for. I know that I can too, act at times with less than straightforward motives. I don't like myself when I do it.

My recent relationship was very much entangled with unspoken game playing. Not through any fault of anyone, but I found that was the way it was to be and rather than insist on being direct and forthcoming, I let myself regress to that kind of dynamic. Most of our families of origin taught us this kind of thing. It isn't some sordid plot to be dysfunctional, its traditional. But it does lead to confusion and unmet expectations and it can break down trust.

Unfortunately, when just starting the clearing of motives, it can feel overwhelming to have to constantly check in with feelings, and ask if we are being completely truthful and honoring ourselves. It can be frustrating to feel like we've been doing everything wrong and have no idea how to proceed.

What got me to a point where I started really confronting myself was when I realized I was often the last to know what I was really doing. I hated that feeling so transparent to all but myself and decided to be the first to know what's really going on with me. And it is true that to those who take the time to ask me, I can at any time pretty much lay out what's going on underneath the surface, even when it is less than pretty or flattering.

I also have canth? and M. Scott Peck to thank for that. I'm going to comment further in my regular journal shantidove.

Just for today I will check with my motives in all that I do so that I can be honest with myself and not be duplicitous. If I seek to help others it will be from a desire to give back the sanity that my higher power has given to me.